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我是 Angela。Kiss & Tell 是我的 vintage 小舖,也是我跟大家分享復古美感/生活的筆記。很高興認識你。

祝我生日快樂:我被性侵害的經驗以及與性教育相關的反思

祝我生日快樂:我被性侵害的經驗以及與性教育相關的反思

與姪女 Olivia /// With my niece Olivia

今天是我的生日~!每年我都會利用我的生日來跟大家討論一個對我來說非常重要的議題,也就是我小時候被性侵的經驗,以及一些相關的反思。

Today is my birthday! Each year, I use this opportunity to talk about my experiences as a victim of childhood sexual abuse and some related thoughts. This year, unlike previous years, I wrote the Chinese first and then translated it into English - apologies if the prose seems stilted. 

在每個生日與下個生日間我都會交到新的朋友,而每年我分享這類文章時,都會有人來跟我說他/她們也曾有過被性侵或是被性騷擾的經驗,所以我認為這種事情不斷地發生在我們的身邊,但是因為社會對性的不理性造成被害者有重度的羞恥感,所以這類行為極少被揭發、討論,而迫害別人的性侵者也得以逍遙法外。這個現象當然十分不合理,所以我希望能夠激發其他被害者的勇氣,期待每個人都能透過面對以及揭發來替自己爭取正義,進而保護其他人,不要再有下一個受害者。

畢竟有錯的人不是我們這些被害者,而是傷害別人的壞人,所以一切的羞恥以及痛苦都應該由壞人來承擔!

Between each birthday, I usually make new friends. Every year after I share my birthday post, someone will tell me about how he/she has also had similar experiences. I think sexual harassment/abuse/assault happens all around. But social taboo and misplaced feelings of shame means that these sex-related crimes are seldom exposed or discussed. Perpetrators are therefore seldom held to account. This is obviously ridiculous. I hope that I can encourage others who have had similar experience to speak out - not only for themselves, but also to prevent others from being victimized. 

After all, we are not the ones in the wrong. If anyone should feel ashamed, it’s the perpetrators, not the victims. 

 

我的經驗

My Personal Experience

簡單說一下我自已的經驗:我九歲移民至加拿大,與親戚共居(我的父母因為工作關係仍住在台灣,但是會定期來看我們)。當時家中一位長輩開始在我落單的時候性侵我,一直到我十三歲的時候才被發現。之所以會被發現的原因是我當時常在網上聊天,跟一個住在英國的大學生成了好友,跟他說:我的長輩在性侵我,雖然我知道他這樣是不對的,但是我無法開口跟任何人說。這個在英國的大學生朋友多次鼓勵我去跟警方或是其他長輩求救,但我無法想像:「我的姑丈在性侵我」這句話要如何啟齒。

My experience, very briefly: I immigrated to Canada when I was nine, and lived with relatives (my parents stayed in Taiwan for work-related reasons). A member of my extended family started to sexually abuse me. He was only discovered when I was about thirteen. What happened was: I had gotten really into online chatting and became friends with a guy in the UK (he was in uni at the time). I told him about the abuse and he urged me to seek help from my family or from the police. I knew that I should, but couldn’t imagine myself ever saying to anyone “my uncle is sexually abusing me”. 

後來有一次我爸媽來看我們的時候,我跟這位英國朋友說我爸媽來了,我要跟我媽去逛街,這位(英雄)大學生朋友竟然把握這個機會自行打電話找我父親,跟他說「你不認識我,但是我在網上認識了你女兒,有很重要的事情必須告訴你」,這件事情才會被揭發(說起來真的是非常不可思議)。在事情爆發當下,我父親就把姑丈踢出了家門,但是當時父母也不知道這種事情應該怎麼樣處理,又怕提起會讓我受傷更深,所以就大家哭一哭,洗把臉,當作這件事情沒有發生過,然後繼續生活。

Some time later, my parents came to visit and I told this friend of mine that I was going shopping with my mother. He took the opportunity and called my father. That is, he called my dad, who was totally unaware of his existence, and said something like “hi you don’t know me but your daughter is being sexually abused by her uncle and I thought I’d let you know” (yeah, kind of hard to believe. But he did it, bless him). At that time my uncle was immediately removed from the house. But my parents didn’t really know how to deal with it. We cried, and then we washed up and tried to carry on as though nothing happened. 

事情爆發的時候我十三歲。在十三到二十五歲之間我經過多番掙扎,終於決定要去報警(其中最重要的因素是希望能夠把這個壞人關起來免得他去加害別的孩子)。在研究所畢業之後,我一個人從英國回到了多倫多,然後某天下午自己走進了市區的一個警察局跟看門的警察說:「我小時候住在多倫多時被家裡長輩性侵,我現在想要報警,不知道應該找誰?」。在警察的協助之下,我花了幾天的時間把我所有能夠記得的細節寫成了一個 Excel 檔案,盡力提供時間(其實是很模糊的,誰會把這種事情的日期記下來?),還有當時那位英國朋友的聯絡資料。資料都準備好之後我去了警察局,在錄影機的拍攝之下接受兩位女警官(好像長達兩個小時)的訪談作為證據。警察跟我說在加拿大這種罪沒有追溯期,所以我什麼時候都可以報警,但是因為這類的罪行基本上也沒有線索可言,所以不敢保證我會勝訴。我跟兩位女警官說這個倒是沒有關係,我自己知道我說的是實話就好了,只要我有盡力,剩下的就不是我的事了。

When this happened, I was thirteen. Between thirteen and twenty-five I struggled (a lot) over what to do about it all. I decided to go to the police in the end because I felt it was my duty to lock him up so he wouldn’t be able to victimize anyone else. After grad school, I went from the UK back to Toronto and walked into a random police station downtown. I said to the policeman on duty at the door: I was sexually abused as a child and I would like to press charges - can you tell me who to speak to? The police asked me to provide as much information as I could, so one afternoon I sat down at a cafe with my laptop and organized as much as I could remember into an Excel file, chronologically (I couldn’t really give any specific dates - it’s not like I wrote these things down at the time), and the contact of my friend in the UK (the one who called my dad). After all that, I then had to go one day and be interviewed in detail by the police, and all this was recorded on camera to be used as evidence. The police told me that in Canada there’s no statute of limitations for this sort of crime, but there’s also no guarantee that I would win in court. I said I was ok with that because all I wanted was to do as much as I could. 

約一兩週後,女警官告訴我,害我痛苦這麼久的姑丈已經肝癌末期了,她們沒有辦法與他對話,也沒有指望能夠帶他上法庭。幾天後,他死了。所以我折磨了自己十幾年,辛苦準備這麼久,巴巴地去被警方訪問和錄影,緊張失眠焦慮憂鬱了不知道多久,哭了不知道幾個太平洋的眼淚之後,他就死了,很乾脆,誰也追不回來。隔天是週日,我早上一個人在多倫多市區晃蕩(原本計畫去逛跳蚤市場但是完全沒勁),看到很多教堂剛剛做完禮拜,牧師們一個個站在草地上跟信徒們握手寒暄,很想上去問這些牧師:「為什麼?」。如果真的有神的話,為什麼會這樣?

A few weeks later the police told me that my uncle (who had caused me so much misery) was terminally ill, and they couldn’t interview him, and we’d never get him to court. Several days later he died. I was really upset because he’d made me so unhappy for so long, and when I finally work up the courage to confront him, he dies - just like that. I used to make myself sick with anxiety imagining over and over what it would be like to meet him in the court room and whether anyone would believe me and could I get a conviction etc. etc. etc. - and it was all for nothing.  I think the following day was a Sunday. I wandered around downtown Toronto by myself (think meant to go to the antique market at St. Lawrence, which I used to love to do, but couldn’t work up the energy). The churches in that area had just finished their services and priests were standing on lawns shaking hands with their congregations. I kind of wanted to go buttonhole them and ask: how could this have happened? I also kind of wanted to punch someone, but there wasn’t anyone for me to punch. 

我難過了很久之後想到猶太人大概每個都很想親手把希特勒掐死,但是希特勒自殺了,而且他就只有一個,能死幾次?我的痛跟猶太人整個種族幾乎被滅絕,比起來算什麼?世界上讓人感到不公平的事情,就是這麼多。事情告一段落之後我搬離開了多倫多(因為住在那邊的時候太不快樂了,現在回去還是有一種難以呼吸的壓迫感,所以我後來就再也沒去加拿大了),設法繼續過我的生活。

這件事情的來龍去脈大概就是這樣。

I was upset for quite a while, then I thought of Hitler. There was also only one of him and he committed suicide in a bunker, which must have felt like (almost) a clean getaway for such an evil man. Then I figured that very few of people get to personally wring the necks of those who’ve wronged them, and if that was the only sort of “justice” that would bring me peace, then I was shit out of luck. So I decided to move on and left Toronto. Incidentally I never go back there now because every time I get near there I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. I’m proud of being Canadian though, and proud of our feminist Prime Minister. Maybe one day I’ll go back for a visit. 

So that’s a brief account of what happened.

 

隔離感

Isolation 

在我記憶中,事情爆發的當下,我心理狀態其實就已有問題(雖然成績還是很好),而「被性侵」這件事情對我來說有過太多的負面影響,讓我做出了很多傻事(還好這邊也沒時間一一提及)。不過其中最主要的後遺症是:之後很長一段時間,我都把小時候被性侵的經驗當作一個藏在心中的秘密,不管我跟其他人再親密再要好,我覺得這些人認識的都不是真正的我,因為他們不知道我的黑暗面。這種「不真誠」的感覺讓我覺得自己與人隔離,無法交朋友,也無法得到朋友的支持與理解,嚴重到我大學時代差點因為憂鬱症自殺。

From what I recall, even when I was thirteen, I was not in a very healthy mental state (though I was doing well in school). My experiences of sexual abuse left me with a lot of emotional baggage and lead to me doing a bunch of stupid stuff that was harmful to myself and others around me (sorry). But most importantly, for a long time afterwards I treated this experience as a deep dark secret - a skeleton in the closet. I thought that no matter how “close” I got to someone, they could never “really” know me because they don’t know the “real” me. This feeling of insincerity made it tremendously difficult for me to form bonds, which made it hard to get understanding and support. Things got really bad during my first year as an undergraduate, and I was really depressed and suicidal (thankfully I got better in the end). 

高中時有一次我從加拿大回台灣過暑假的時候認識了我媽媽大學朋友的兒子(應該說是我的乾哥哥,因為我媽是他哥哥的乾娘)。我們兩個似乎立刻就有很多話題可以聊,而他更是很熱情地四處帶我吃喝玩樂,分享所有他最愛的景點以及美食(我現在想起來還是很感動)。有一天晚上他騎著腳踏車帶我在台大的校園中遊覽,然後我們兩個人在某處停下來聊天,他突然說他覺得我們好像一下子就變得很熟了。我聽他這樣說,心中突然有一種僵住的感覺,因為我從來沒有跟他(當時我其實沒有跟幾個人)說過我小時候被性侵的事情。我突然覺得我不是用真誠的面孔跟這個世界相見,我覺得他不可能真的跟我變熟,因為他不知道我心中藏有一個這麼醜陋的秘密,因為他不知道我是一個多麼「有問題」的人。

During high school, on a visit to Taiwan, I met the son of my mother’s best friend from uni. We became fast friends and hung out all the time. He even invited me to his house to read comic books, which was like, a totally unprecedentedly wholesome and friendly activity which was really, really not a thing that ever happened in my life at the time. Then one night, we were cycling around his campus, and stopped for a moment to rest. He observed (quite casually, as I recall) that it’s amazing how we became so close so quickly. This observation made me really uncomfortable all of a sudden because I remembered that he doesn’t know that I’d been abused as a child and it felt like I was dishonest and had never been my true self with him. 

當時我不知道怎麼樣回答他真誠的熱情(說實在的,「你知道嗎?我小時候曾經被性侵過喔~」這種話真的很難啟齒!),只有淡淡回了一句「也不能算很熟吧」之類的話。他「喔」了一聲,好像有點失望,然後我們就再也沒有提過這件事了。我不知道他是不是還記得這件事情,也不知道他當時是不是真的有失望(或許這整件事根本是小姐我想太多了),我只記得那一霎那我突然覺得我是兩個人,一個我正常,一個我支離破碎,從來只敢把假裝正常完整的自己帶出門,把醜陋罪惡羞恥的自己藏在床底下,不知道怎麼樣才能讓這兩個我變回一個真誠的自己。

I felt really guilty and didn’t know what to say. It’s not exactly easy to jump in for the big reveal and say: yeah! By the way, did I tell you about those years when I was being sexually abused all the time??? (actually, I’ve had a lot of practice since and can now drop that bomb quite easily even when talking to strangers). In the end, I said something really lame and half-hearted, like “oh, I guess you could say we’re close… ish”. He seemed disappointed and we never talked about this again. I’m not sure he remembers this and I’m not sure if he was disappointed, or if I’m over-reading this episode in light of how I secretly felt. But what stuck with me was the feeling of being two different people - a normal person and a broken person. It felt like I only ever went out as a the normal me, and I wasn’t sure how I could put myself back together and be whole again. 

後來我覺得這樣很不理性,我必須要學著面對以及討論這件事,才能漸漸地把我自己還原。所以我開始對一些我比較信賴的朋友揭發這些經驗,然後一點一點把這個信任的圈子擴大。我發現我信任的這些人並沒有因為我小時候被性侵所以厭棄我或是質疑我(每一個我告知的朋友都給予了我肯定與支持,所以我是一個很幸運的人!)。直到2012 那年,我覺得我可以跟全世界說,因為我不再恐懼了,所以我在生日的那天參加了 Project Unbreakable,然後把我的照片 po 在臉書上跟所有我認識的人分享。

Later, I began to think that this was all really irrational, and I wanted to talk about my experiences. I thought this would be the best way to be a whole person again. So I started to open up to some of my most intimate friends (I eventually learned how to make friends, but it was hard-going at first), and then I expanded that circle of trust a little bit at a time. By experimenting, I learned that the people I trusted wouldn’t hurt me with the information they had - in fact, they gave me their support and sympathy. In 2012 I heard about Project Unbreakable and took part on my birthday. I also posted the image on Facebook because I felt ready to face the world as myself again - that is, as my whole self, because I no longer feel like I have something to hide.

2012 年我參加 Project Unbreakable 時的照片。圖中文字:「你說:對不起,我沒辦法控制自己」、「我那時候十歲。如果你可以徹底當一個壞人,我反而還會好過一點。可是你並不邪惡,你只是有問題。這是你對我說過最讓我感到無助的話,因為它強迫我認清你只是個不完美的人。我要怎麼在愛一個罪人的同時卻恨他的罪行呢?沒關係,我原諒你」/// My submission to Project Unbrekable in 2012. The placard reads: "I was ten. It would have been better if you were good at being bad so I could hate you. But you are not evil, just flawed. This was the most disempowering thing you said because it made you human. How do I love the sinner but hate the sin? It's ok. I forgive you."

之後我就開始在每年生日的時候藉機討論這件事。

Since then I’ve tried to talk about this on every birthday. 

自從 2012 年開始,在這整個公開討論我被性侵經驗的過程中,我發現我沒有醜陋破碎罪惡羞恥的那一面,因為這些感受都是害我的人所給我的包袱,在我開始坦承的那天,這些包袱就不再是我的了!我反而開始對自己感到一點點小小的驕傲。從前,我覺得不知道我的痛的人不算真的認識我,但我現在覺得這樣想是錯的,因為我的很多其他面向也一樣重要。「我小時候曾經被性侵」這件事情只能說是關於我的眾多資訊中的其中一條。比方:

The whole process of  living honestly has made me realize that I never should have felt ashamed and broken. These feelings were just baggage given to me by someone who hurt me. When I started to talk honestly and openly about myself,  they slowly went away. In fact, I began to feel a little proud because I felt like I had triumphed over the negative influences of my past. Before, I felt like anyone who didn’t know my pain could never really “know” me. Now I know that this is wrong, because I’m a person of many facets - each one as important as the pain that I have suffered. The fact that I was abused as a child is only one of the many facts you could know about me, and not even necessarily the most important. For instance: 

  • 我很愛跳舞 /// I love to dance

  • 我愛美麗的老物(有時候會賣掉些心愛的老物,我才能去買更多)/// I love vintage (sometimes I even sell vintage online)

  • 我曾經拿全額獎學金去牛津讀碩士(原諒我炫耀一下)/// I studied medieval literature at Oxford on a full scholarship #oksoimbragging

  • 我看到狗的時候會忍不住一直傻笑然後很想跟狗玩(曾經撿過一隻流浪狗現在變成德國狗)/// I love dogs (I once adopted a Taiwanese dog who now lives in Germany)

  • 我支持台獨(不代表支持民進黨喔)/// I support Taiwanese independence (but I don’t always support the DPP)

  • 我關心環保(忘了帶自己的水壺的時候堅持不喝手搖)/// I care about the environment and try to be environmentally responsible

  • 我力挺婚姻平權(也有去參加這個遊行~)/// I support marriage equality (and recently went to this tremendous rally)

對我來說,以上這些都與知道「我小時候曾經被性侵」一樣重要,因為我不只是一個「受害者」或是「倖存者」。我是一個舞蹈老師、一個古物商、一個文學愛好者、一個熱心的社運份子⋯⋯ 這些面向所組成的我大過我曾經經歷過的痛苦。換句話說,「被性侵」沒有讓我的人生因此而毀掉。單一的負面經驗並不能定義我整個人,我希望這個經驗反而能讓我更能體會別人的痛苦,讓我能夠盡力幫助別人。

I used to think you had to know that I was once abused to really know me. Now I think it’s just as important to know any of the above - because I’m more than a “victim” or a “survivor”. I’m a dancer and dog lover and a social activist (in a small way) and the sum of all that I am is greater than any of the unfortunate things that have happened to me in the past. Being sexually abused didn’t ruin my life. I try my best not to let it define who I am. I even try to think of it as something that would make me more empathetic, more understanding, and more able to help, should the need arise. 

如果你也有過類似的經驗,甚至你現在仍然被這些經驗的陰影所困擾的話,我希望你也能夠戰勝它們,跟這些負面的經驗說它們不代表你,不等於你,因為你有很多一樣重要的其他面向,而且你的人生會有很多其他精彩的發展。

祝你有勇氣能夠克服這個難關(一定可以的,我對你有信心!)。

If you have experienced something similar, then I hope you are also able to think of it as only one small part of the strong and multifacted person that you are. 

 

關於性教育

Sex-Ed

最近台灣性教育的議題引起了很多爭論。去年有一些讀者問我:我要怎麼樣才能保護我的孩子,不讓他們成為性侵的受害者?我的回答如下:

Sex-ed reform has been a topic of much debate in Taiwan. Last year someone asked me how they might be able to protect their children from sexual predators. Here’s my two cents: 

  1. 我們需要從小學習尊重別人身體的界線。對方若有任何言語上的拒絕、或任何不舒服的神情、或任何反抗的動作,都應該立刻停止碰觸他的身體,用言語和他確認。(感謝讀者「路人」留言提供這個寶貴的建議!)/// We should learn to respect other people's physical boundaries. If someone displays any signs of discomfort (in the expression, body language, or verbally), we should stop and active seek confirmation or consent. (thanks to reader "路人" for this valuable suggestion).

  2. 我們需要從小學習怎麼替自己建立明確的「界線」:這個線的一邊是我所同意的行為,這個線的另一邊是我不容許的行為(比方說你可以拍我的頭、握我的手、但是你不能撫摸我的胸/臀/性器官)。/// We need to encourage children (from an early age) to establish clear boundaries - as in a clear division between acceptable behaviour (you can shake my hand, pat my head etc.) and unacceptable behaviour (you are not allowed to touch my genitals etc.)

  3. 我們從小學習如何直接並且明確的捍衛這個界線:不管對方是誰(男/女朋友、朋友、長輩、老師、甚至自己的父母),在性行為與身體上,唯有我們自己才掌握自主權。當有人靠近了我們的界線時,我們需要能夠直接而且果斷地警告/抗拒。如果有人越過了我們的界線,我們需要能夠馬上揭發並且求助。/// We need to teach children (from an early age) to clearly and assertively express and defend our boundaries. Regardless of who we are dealing with (teacher, parent, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend etc.), we are in sole charge of our body and our boundaries. If anyone gets close to the line we need to give clear warning, and if anyone crosses the line, we need to be able to immediately resist and seek help.

能夠做到這三點的前提是我們需要練習怎麼樣開口討論「性」這件事:不管是我們的性器官、性向、或是性慾。唯有透過理性的了解,討論,以及學習一切與「性」有關的知識,我們才會有能力表達並且維護我們自己的「界線」。因此我認為我們的社會迫切的需要「性解放」(不等於性氾濫)。性解放不是鼓勵某種行為,而是知識與心態上的解放,也就是說不再把性當成一種禁忌,而是帶著平常心以理性的觀點看待。

The prerequisite to being able manage 1 to 3 is being able to talk about sex - in all respects from reproductive organs, sexual orientation, to desire. Sex shouldn’t be a taboo because taboos introduce all kinds of irrationalities. When I talk about sexual “liberation” I do not mean ”promiscuity” but a informed and rational view of sex and all that it entails. 

對於那些不一定贊同性教育的家長們,我想跟你說,你的孩子們也有可能成爲性侵的受害者(不管你再小心保護他們都有這個可能性)。如果有人對你的孩子伸出魔手,你的孩子只會因為對於性的忌諱以及無知而受到更大的創傷。知識就是力量,我相信你的孩子不會因為知道「性」是什麼就因此被「帶壞」,或是喪失他們的純真。與其讓他們從網路或是媒體接收到各種煽情、暴力、負面或甚至完全錯誤的性迷思,不如透過正當的管道給他們真正的性知識。為了孩子們的身心安全,請身為家長的你考慮支持性教育的推進。

If you are on the fence about sex-ed reform in Taiwan, please consider the fact that your children are also at risk from sexual predators! Ignorance will only make them more susceptible and more defenseless. Knowledge is the most certain way to empower. I honestly do not think that sex-ed would destroy their innocence or have a corrupting influence. Rather than allowing your children to get their information from dubious sources such as the media and the internet, please give them a chance to learn about sex in an open and positive environment. 

 

後續

Follow-up  

去年我的文章被分享了很多次,並且完全出乎我意料地激起很多迴響。我很感謝每一個留言或是私訊支持的讀者。除此之外,也有一些讀者聯繫我希望能夠跟我討論她/他們的個人經驗,或是尋求幫助。我有盡力回答其中一些訊息,但是實際上收到的量絕對超過了我個人所能負荷的程度。而且我不是一個有受過任何訓練的心理諮商者,也不希望我個人的感想被當作絕對可以被採納的建議,所以今年我會提供一些專業管道,請任何有需要的人透過這些管道尋求協助,相信他們的回答以及建議都能夠比我的還要具體。

以下是一位心理諮商師(以及好友)所寫給倖存者的信,希望能夠幫助有需求的人。

Last year my blog post generated a surprising (actually, overwhelming) amount of responses from readers in Taiwan. I received a lot of messages - some wanted to advice and some just wanted to talk. I tried my best to reply to as many as I could, but there was much more than I could handle. Furthermore, I’m not a professional therapist and I don’t want anyone to take my word for it when it comes to something as important as this. So for those of you in Taiwan, the following is a letter from a friend who is a therapist, with some useful telephone numbers and information that may be useful. 

 

寫給那些正走出黑夜的你/妳

By 黃璧君諮商心理師

謝謝你陪著自己走到了今天,這對你來說相當的不容易,你很努力地撐住自己,讓自己能夠每天好好地過日子。看到這個故事不知道帶給你什麼感覺,也許有些記憶正在甦醒,也許有些感覺重新回到你的身體;當你經驗這些事情、或者是想起這些事情時,必定對你會造成很多層面的影響。

而在療癒的旅途中,在想起或經驗類似的性侵害事件,你可能會有以下的反應:

  1. 再經驗創傷事件:無法停止回想起痛苦的記憶、情境再現(Flashbacks),記憶宛如重演一般地在腦中不斷播出、夢見創傷事件或其他的恐怖事件、當回想到創傷事件時,易引發過大的情緒和生理反應。

  2. 逃避:逃避與創傷事件有關的活動、地點、思想、感覺。

  3. 情緒麻木: 對任何事物失去興趣、對人產生疏離感、情緒反應呆板,失去喜怒哀樂的感受。

  4. 警覺性增加:易被激怒、專注困難、過度警覺、驚嚇反應強烈、難以入睡。

這些反應都代表發生在你身上的事情已經超出目前你所能消化的範圍,你的身心靈都在努力地適應平復當中。

看不到的傷口,總是好得特別慢。在震撼中,很多感覺都是正常的,即使是曾經消失的感覺再度出現也是正常,那代表你的內在還持續性地在受苦。給自己一點恢復的可能性,我們不急,我們慢慢往前行。

只是當你把傷口藏在心裡深處時,你宛如置身在一個無法結束的噩夢之中,這段記憶在內在會不停地牽絆著你。也許這是目前已知讓自己安穩生活的方法,但這方法卻會在內在耗盡生命的能量,持續傷害著你自己。在今時今刻,唯有你自己可以保護自己,唯有你能讓其他人開始看見聽見你,請就從看見自己的傷口,開始療癒他開始吧!

這一切,你並不需要獨自面對。讓自己多一點空間好好安穩自己,多花一些時間跟信任的人在一起,如果你願意的話,跟這些覺得信任安全的人聊聊心裡的感受。給自己一點時間和空間,讓自己慢慢地找回生活的平衡,想辦法睡得好、吃得好,這是療養自己最重要的一個管道。

如果,你覺得你想要真的好好找人聊聊,以下的管道可以提供給你,讓你能夠受到一些專業的保護和照顧,有專業的醫師和心理師能夠服務你,必定能幫助你能夠更平穩地走在療癒的路上。

  1. 各大醫院的身心科醫師,可以以藥物和談話的方式協助改善睡眠和穩定情緒。

  2. 心理師,可以透過衡鑑或是心理諮商的方式協助你走過創傷。

  3. 社工師,針對個別的狀況,評估周遭環境,提供適當資源連結,協助生活能逐漸穩定。

以下這些機構,皆有專門協助性暴力的部門:

(一)勵馨基金會 蒲公英諮商輔導中心

  • 機構地址:台北市羅斯福路二段75號8樓(古亭捷運站4號出口)

  • 機構專線:(02)2362-6995

  • 諮商時間:週一~週五 9:30~17:30(晚上時間可與諮商人員另行約定)

(二)現代婦女基金會

  • 機構地址:臺北市中正區羅斯福路一段7號10樓之4

  • 機構專線:(02)7728-5098。

  • 諮商時間:週一至週五上午09:00-12:00.下午01:30-06:00 (國定例假日除外)

(三)政府機關

  • 各縣市皆有家庭暴力暨性侵害防治中心,皆有專人可以協助處理。

(四)線上諮詢專線

  • 台灣省 24 小時婦女保護熱線 080-422110

  • 台北市 24 小時婦女保護專線 02-27062495

  • 高雄市婦女福利中心 07-2230299

(五)各地婉如專線

  • 台北:(抱歉我一開始提供的這個電話號碼好像是錯的,請等我一下我去找資料來更正!)

  • 台中:04-3276993

  • 高雄:07-2167129

  • 屏東:08-7558571

性對於臺灣人而言,是一個看不見的話題,每當提到性,總是各種曖昧不明的笑容。更遑論到性侵害這樣的議題,彷若是一個羞恥的記號,但性其實是伴隨我們生命相當重要的一件事情,正如飲食、學習、交友。但許多內在軟弱的人,卻會用性為武器來傷害其他人,這在各種層面上來說都無法饒恕。

性侵害的痛苦是當事人被剝奪了自由,是身體自主權受到侵犯,對方暴力地忽視你的意願並傷害你的身體。請相信自己的感覺,所有的痛苦是其來有自,因為有人以極不尊重的方式來傷害了你。

希望這篇文章可以幫助你不再痛苦地反省自身,試圖找出在你身上不存在的錯誤,因為不是你傷害了你自己,而是那個不尊重你的人傷害了你。而我們唯一必須為自己負責的就是好好照顧好自己,好好地安撫自己,讓自己重新地找到生活的方式。你是努力讓自己好好穩定的 fighter,努力保護自己不潰散的 survivor,而除此之外,你更是美好的你自己,有著一切發光閃耀的可能。

在這一條療癒的道路上,請記得你真的不孤單,因為有很多人願意與你相伴而行。

若有預約諮商或諮詢的需求,亦可填寫此表單(請於時段空格內填寫欲與黃璧君諮商心理師晤談,期待能夠陪伴您走這條療癒的路)。

歡迎分享這篇文章或是任何我臉書/部落格上的內容。
Please feel free to share this or any other content from my Facebook or blog. 

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.
— Mae West

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